My apologies.

I just read my last post.

Boy, oh boy.  I am most definitely silly and I think it's clear to say that I have a tendency to overreact about tedious things.  Sometimes I just need to shut up.  I should just delete it, because I would feel badly if my love saw the crap I spewed out.  But, my bloggity involves many things.  The good in me and the really ugly.  So it stays.

Anyway.  Moving on now..

I've been watching Ally McBeal on Netflix.  I just reached season four (out of five).  It makes me happpppy!  Ally just started dating Larry Paul (played by Robert Downey Jr.).

GROWL!  RBJ is a fox.

I tend to sexualize men.  I always have, ever since I reached puberty.  It's bizarre, because I do it more frequently with celebrities/athletes/the unattainable.

Actually, that's a lie.  I sexualize my boo too.  He's a dreamboat.  And what's better is he's MY dreamboat.  But, we're all allowed to have crushes on those far-far-far out of reach.  He likes Jennifer Aniston and the woman from Weeds (as well as plenty others, I bet).

--------------------

I start my last year of college next week.  Blarg.  How completely outrageous is that?  Of course, I will most likely go to grad school, so theoretically it won't be my last-last year.  But with regards to my Bachelor degree, it will be my last year.


Adulthood is weird.  After school, I hope to get a job.  Any job outside of waitressing, preferably.  I looked around a bit.  I would be getting a huge pay cut if I actually pursued a career in the field I'm interested in.  As awful, crazy, and demeaning as serving can be--it brings in great money.  That is a perk I'd rather not leave behind.

Alright, I'm finished rambling.


I open en la manana.  So, I'll be going to sleep by seven pm.  Because I have to wake up at four am.

My life.  This is it.
I sleep in the early evening to start work while it's still dark out.
It's only slightly frustrating.

Just kidding, I loathe it.

So long, friends.

-Amandaaaaaaaaaaa

A clean kitchen is the best kitchen.

I realize I may come off like a nag sometimes, but here's the effing deal:

I LIKE A CLEAN HOUSE.

I don't give a shit if you don't care about having your clothes wrinkled or even your side of the bed being messy.  But the space we share should also have shared cleaning.

I will wait for days just to see if you happen to clean the toilet or put your glass in the dishwasher.  BUT IT DOESN'T HAPPEN.

My father taught me to respect the nice things I have by taking care of them.  I remember being so annoyed every time he called me ungrateful when my room was messy.  But he was right.  So now, as an adult--I try to pick up after myself.  Dirty rings in the bathtub bother me.  A stench in the kitchen BOTHERS me.  When my beautiful wood floors are unswept, it bothers me.

I simply don't understand how these are not issues to you.  How you can just live in the filth without even noticing it.


I hope no on gets me wrong here--I am not by any means a clean-freak.  I let things get messy too.  But clean is far different than messy.

Also, I love my boyfriend.  More than any man I've ever been with, he is the best.  He treats me so well and loves me so much and I am so fortunate to have him in my life.

But I just want him to value cleanliness like I do.  And he just doesn't.  He just doesn't care/notice it.  IT baffles me and also drives me up the damn wall.


I love him, I do.  We are just different.  I must accept it.  I must.  I must.  I must.

-ASN

Death.

It really hurts.

.

Sometimes, no matter how hard I try, I just feel lonely.

I'm so confused by this.  But it's true.

I bet this has nothing to do with me starting my period.

...

Okay maybe it does.  Nonetheless, I still feel lethargic and downright sad.

It's embarrassing that I am complaining about such a ridiculous feeling when I have so many wonderful loved ones near by.

I have weird period-mood-swing-feelings.  One period I'm sad and tired, the next period I'm angry and tired, and the following period I'm happy as a clam (and tired).

And when I say I'm tired, I mean I'm physically exhausted and I also become completely unenthused about the semi-meaningless life I seem to be leading.  My job, my schooling, my social life.  I always question everything while Aunt Flow is in town.

On a side-note: the term "Aunt Flow" in reference to my period totally grosses me out.

I want pizza.  There's another thing...For the most part I am pretty okay with my curvy, albeit partially soft, body.  But when the menstruation is in full effect...man alive!  I can be so critical of myself!  Yet all I want to eat is chocolate.

Fuck today, fuck yesterday, and fuck the rest of this week.

To quote Vada from My Girl, "Get outta here!  And don't come back for five to seven days!"


-Amanda

Tooth ache.

I often drive myself crazy.

Sometimes I am such an asshole.

I annoy myself more than others annoy me.

Most of the time, I haven't a clue as to why I am the way I am.

My life is good.  No, my life is pretty fucking amazing.  Yet here I am, being a grump.  Grump this and grump that.  I just need to shut up and smile.  Because I'm just so pathetic.  Ugh.


Today I am going to Multnomah Falls.  Today will be a nice day.  I hope to snap out of my stupid mood in order to enjoy the beauty of my hike.  Even though I'm so out of shape I'll be sweating like a hot mess and I'll look like a cow.

Oh dear, there's that attitude again.

SHUT UP AMANDA!

The list goes on...

I'm not a fan of many things.  The following is some kind of list.

-Birds.
-Addictions.
-Being unnecessarily irritated.
-The loss of a friend.
-Pants that don't fit.
-Chipped nail polish.
-My house being messy
-Not wanting to pick up my messy house.
-Bras.
-Finishing a great book.
-Finishing a great television series.
-Finishing a great movie.
-Not having money.
-Having to pay bills.
-The sadness of others.
-My constant lack of gratitude for the many wonderful things I have.
-Marijuana.
-Broken glass.


Etc.

It's nice to be reminded...

On the last day of one of my courses this past spring term, a professor of mine encouraged my class and I to write ourselves a letter.  It could contain anything our hearts desired.  So I sat and I wrote.  Marlene, my professor/mentor/inspiration, told us all that she would send our individual letters to us sometime during the summer.  At long last, I have it in my hands again.  And I'd like to share it with you.

Dear Amanda,
Throughout your 12 weeks of summer, please try not to forget the compassion you learned over the course of spring term.  The stories you heard, the books you read, and the tears you cried...The lessons you were engulfed by are some you shall always remember.  International humanity, love and most importantly--your consciousness.  Live your life through eyes of openness.  Try your best to remember all of those lost in the constant battle to regain social justice.  Recognize your judgements and allow them to pass through your mind without pressure.  Do not underestimate your passion and capability.  Remember to take care of yourself, for without that, you simply cannot accomplish what you wish.  Do not stop learning.  Do not stop listening.  Do not stop asking questions.  Always remember to breathe and to live and always respect those throughout the world.  Recognize your privilege...but use it as a tool, not as a weapon to hold yourself down.  Allow yourself to rest.  Remember that you are not alone in your thoughts nor in you actions.  Live in solidarity with the people of this world.  We are all one.  Expand your horizons with joy and acceptance.  You are beautiful, smart, and full of humor and strength.

With love,
Yourself.

PS:  Smile!

Perhaps it is just me, but I find making stupid decisions to be rather stupid.  And to be honest, when I see stupid decisions in the making, I do my best to subtly butt in.  I suppose most of the time it's none of my business, but I generally act quickly when the one acting'a'fool is someone I love.

Now, I am most definitely not claiming to never making ignorant choices.  Not by any means is that the kind of person I am.  I am, however, someone who tries to learn from what I've lived through.  I can only hit my knee on my new bed stand so many times before I start to realize where exactly to place my foot in order to avoid another bruise.

I used to be someone who would never try anything because I was fearful of any consequences unknown to me.  Though I am still somewhat that way, I have matured past not enjoying myself.  I have found that the more unlikely it is for me to do something, the more likely it is that I will find it amazing and life changing.

I don't know...I'm sitting here drinking some weird cocktail concoction I made up with rum and I find myself thinking about stupid stupid stupid decisions.  All the ones I have made and all of the ones I have seen others make.  I wonder if that is the only way a person can truly learn.  Some say addicts need to hit rock-bottom before they want to get clean.  Or for a child to realize it's not a good idea to touch a hot stove is to touch that damned hot stove.

Did I really need to do something terribly awful to another human being for me to understand that it was something I didn't want to do?  Did I need to get my heart broken by an ass hole in order for me to realize that I deserve better?

I'm curious to know if there is some kind of alternative way of knowing.  I don't think there is.  Well, besides using one's logic before acting.  But, how often does that happen?  People act then react.  We're all human.  It's not something that can really be blamed on anyone.

Thanks for reading.

Emotional Trickery and The Living Dead.

I often forget how self-destructive I can be until I inevitably crumble to pieces.

I have gotten better over the years, however.  I used to just turn into mush and blame everyone around me. Now, I can at least acknowledge how overly-emotional I am being.  Now I can walk away in order to think about the error of my ways before I morph into the crazy that is my true being.

But sometimes, just sometimes, I remember that I can't always be wrong.  Sometimes I am reminded that there are instances in which my emotional reaction is necessary and actually sound.

Tonight, as I type at two in the morning...I am unsure of what I am doing and how I am feeling.  I want to cry or maybe get angry, but I am lost in knowing whether or not that is fair.  

I should try to sleep.  I have been stressed lately and am so exhausted.  Sleep will relax me and perhaps bring me back into logic.  Unless of course I have nightmares including Zombies.  Strangely, this is a common occurrence for me. Most of my Apocalyptic Zombie dreams include me hiding and hiding...waiting and waiting...until finally... a decrepit hand smashes through a blacked-out window or the door caves in from too much pressure.  It is at those exact moments that I wake up.

There are so many interpretations I could unfold for you right now.  But I'll leave that up to your imagination.

Goodnight bloggity.

-Amanda

It has begun!

Hello friends...

I am so happy to have finally started a bloggity.  For so long I have wanted to do this, but for so long I thought it would make me seem like a self-obessed idiot.  

In the end, I decided to begin this bad-boy because I realized I rather enjoy typing out my stupid and completely unimportant thoughts out into the world.  The internet is a wondrous place that contains billions of things and now it also contains some of my thoughts transformed into words typed out on my laptop.  

I also concluded that this was a good idea based upon the fact that it is now summer.  This summer, I hope, will be filled with adventures and plenty of sleep!  And I hope to share all of that with you, my dearest blog-reader(s).  

I would like to preface this blog with some kind of warning...I often ramble about things.  Please understand that by doing this I will be able to explore myself as well as the situations I am in.  I also want to say that I will probably come off as somewhat judgmental.  That is an aspect of myself that I really dislike and I recently learned that in order to change that, I must face that ugly side of me.  I have to be able to look back upon my mistakes in order to properly evolve.  

I just reread all that I just typed.  I realize how pretentious I may seem sometimes.  I want to apologize in advanced for sounding like a douche.  I hope we can laugh together and I also strive for an opportunity to become a happier person.  

In order to change the world around us, we must first look at the person within us. 

Have a fantastic day,

Amanda